Thursday, May 25, 2017

HAINAN

It has been long since 2010 i didn't log in to this page. Out of the sudden, the feeling of posting a blog came back to me. I have nowhere or no one to talk to, quite personal, but i couldn't stand for it. After 7 years, i got married. i married to a english educated wife, her bring up is totally different, family background also different.
I always think that marriage is not about 2 persons, but is about 2 families. What i mean is...in our life, we have the extra persons in our new chapter of life whom we called them as our parents in law. I will always remember what my father told me ..."remember, your wife's parents are your parents as well. Treat them as your parents". I always remember and practice..sometimes i would have overdone it, i guess. At the end, i will be the one getting all the unnecessary irritation and frustration. Am i thinking too much? I guess i am, but i couldn't control it as what i see and what i think is rather a fact.
"GK, please remember he has a son, you are not!" This is what my best pal Always remind me. Am i stubborn enough to ignore that statement? Or i am really that kind? Am i really that generous? I am in the state of confusion. When you do good thing, make sure there is no expectation. If there is expectation, then we are not doing things sincerely. Otherwise, frustration, disappointment, all sort of negative forces will come to you. This is rather true.  But the fact is...i am not saint. Of course i will not be expecting any things in the form physically. Just part of family. That's it.
Today just day 2 of the Hainan trip. Every night, i will have a special surprise for myself. YUP, i call it as surprise. Things that i always believe incorrect, actually is the other way round. In certain circumstances, you will see something clearer, more thorough. I totally got it today.
I am speaking not in a anger tone, but rather in disappointment. Any kind of blames were out on me..since day 1. Yes, i am trying to be busy body, wanting to help..yet i am a monkey that causes all these happen. Be it a joke, but suffocation is there. I try my best... until visiting the ancestor village...
After dinner.. walking without direction, without purpose...so i suggested to visit the ancestor village which is 10min away from our hotel. Earlier i came out with an idea earlier... to visit the ancestor village..as far as i remember, the idea of visiting Hainan is because of visiting the ancestor place. (Before i further elaborate, i must tell, this is the SIN family ancestor place. Nothing to do with my grandparents at all.)yes, i insisted, i insisted to go, i decided for him. I should not have expected anything... because i am just an outsider. An OUTSIDER in the family. I use the word..because i feel it. Despite "we are family" always hanging around the mouth...
"Everyone come, we take photo. LJ come as well"...1..2..3...ok... "louder"..."ookay.1..2..3"
Why should i be in the photographer. Is that so important..?is just a minor thing..i do agree. None of photo taking session, i was invited... i was only ordered to help to take photos..in such happy reunion situation, of course i should not be the destroyer..i can't, because i can't hide  my feeling.
"This is grandpa bedroom, LJ come..".."we are planning to take a photo in front of this old house, LJ come..."is that so important my presence in the photos? No..this is not. This is not what i mean. What is really bothering me...is the way the person you care you love treating you. I always believe he is so special, so reliable, so loving, so kind to everyone...but today i really see everything clearer.. things that come from subconscious mind is always true..reflecting from deep inside the heart. In Chinese saying...blood thicker than water..i disagree. I always believe family is not about the blood but who will hold your hand until the end...and today, i proved myself wrong. When coming back from the village.."i think my positive mindscience is working, positivity successfully lead me to where my father stayed"... yes.. the positive force pushing me to calling this, calling that.. messaging this and that...goggling here and there..just to see how near the village is.
i was called as "monkey"..doing all the unnecessary things. Really.. i try to take it as joke but sometimes...i fail. So many things in the mind...is really a mess.
Whatever it is...i am still behaving as stupid as before. May be becoming more silly. With all the rejections and accusations that has "offered" to me, I am still treating you as my own father... despite the way you treat me. I know, if he knows about how i feel... he will not bother as well..because i am not SIN but OOI. I am Hokkian, not Hainanese. Still, i will love you and do whatever i could, treating you like treating my own parents.
Another 3 and half days to go.. i don't want to spoil the peace and enjoyment of this trip. I hope tomorrow will be better.
TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY.
LET THE PAST BE PASSED. LIFE HAS NO "TAKE 2".
WE ONLY LIVE ONCE, BE HAPPY, BE TRUTHFUL, BE KIND, BE LOVING.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

感谢所有在7月31日及8月1日陪伴我的好友们。最为感激也让我极为感动的。。。多谢你特地从槟城到布城与我一同庆祝;多谢你特地请假驾车与我一同庆祝;多谢你让我们有个房间睡个3-4小时;多谢所有特地为我而来的朋友们。谢谢大家。。

突然好多错综杂乱的思绪。。。惟有让时间把它涂抹去。。。

Monday, April 26, 2010

她走了...

她真的走了,永远也再见不到她了。
十二年前他走时,我还懂得哭;可十二年后她的一走,想哭却流不了...但心里却是比从前的沉重,比从前更伤心。
每隔1或2周都会见到她..现在只能相片里见。每次都很喜欢到她家,不懂为何,也许从小开始就感觉到她给温暖吧。 好想念,真的好想念她的一切。好想飞回去,可为何却不能让我有此机会??都可以挨半年,为何不挨多半年??好怀念扶着她走路,虽然慢,却很温馨。真的好想再见多您一脸,就这么一脸。我的好友都见到一次,为何我就没有这机会??也许离开了,会是一个解脱吧。不需再接受病魔的折磨。为何有能力的不会去看她,想看她的却没有机会??为何总是这么不公平?
小时不懂事,却懂得您做的糕饼,粽子,年糕,又多么香甜可口。午餐晚餐偶尔在您家吃,和您一起吃是多么幸福。虽然我晓得小时在您怀抱又多温馨,我深信一定是很开心的。
他和她有些相似,总是爱问我要吃这要吃那吗...其实这感觉已好久好久不曾再发生,却我永远都会记得的。
您的笑好甜美,虽然您满头白发,满脸皱纹,可一点都不可怕,反之,这一切在我脑海里不断浮现。偶尔她还会耍小孩脾气,多么的活泼逗人欢喜。
好想好想您...
希望您一路好走,希望您在另一个世界,另一个空间活的更开心。